the turbulent tides sweep away all preconceptions and any notions of solidity, nothing is stable and all is malleable, the winds change direction and the smoke shifts to reveal patters before unseen. the only chaos in my life is the chaos in my head, which transfers itself to the lives of those around me, only affecting their lives and my mind. chaos that has nothing to do with me somehow feels like it's my fault for being alive. as ridiculous as that notion seems, it is the conclusion that my mind arrives at time and time again. i am the eye of the storm, while everything falls apart around me, i remain untouched except emotionally. distraught at the devastation being wrought around me. rival factions at war with each other inside my head, one part saying it's all just coincidence, the other saying it's all my fault. sometimes it's hard to tell which side to believe, because both offer up plausible arguments.

Tool - The Patient
A groan of tedium escapes me,
Startling the fearful.
Is this a test? It has to be,
Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience, drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here
Giving blood, keeping faith
And I'm still right here.

Wait it out,
Gonna wait it out,
Be patient (wait it out).

If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
Gonna wait it out.

If there were no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certainly would've walked away by now.

And I still may ... (sigh) ... I still may.

Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.

And if there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may.

Gonna wait it out.

the words warp to fit the scene
the plot unfolds and can't be seen
perfectly aligned to fuck this up
and sully the plate from which I sup
the scene changes, and so do I
be content with where things lie

Nine Inch Nails - "The Great Below"

Staring at the sea
Will she come?
Is there hope for me
After all is said and done?
Anything at any price
All of this for you
All the spoils of a wasted life
All of this for you
All the world has closed her eyes
Tired faith all worn and thin
For all we could have done
And all that could have been

Ocean pulls me close
And whispers in my ear
The destiny I've chose
All becoming clear
The currents have their say
The time is drawing near
Washes me away
Makes me disappear

And I descend from grace
In arms of undertow
I will take my place
In the great below

I can still feel you
Even so far away